All posts tagged: healing

Dancing Into The New Year

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I couldn’t let 2018 get away without writing one final blog post. This past year has been, without a doubt, one of the most transformational years for me. Since our infertility journey began nine years ago, it’s impacted every area of my life. Involuntary childlessness affects relationships with friends, family, and most of all, your emotional and physical well-being. 2018 was the year I got curious about my emotions and stepped into a new chapter. It was time for me to face my grief and do the difficult work. I wrestled, I rumbled, I cried, but I kept going. I wrote and wrote and wrote some more. I poured out my heart— all the million broken pieces, and surrendered to the process. The process hurt. Just like it did when I heard the words, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.” But I had to go there. I had to revisit the pain in order to heal. It sucked, but I did it again and again and again. All the tools I needed came to me at …

What You Don’t Know About My Miscarriage

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Even after three years I can still feel the deafening silence in the room after those awful words were spoken into the universe. It was almost as if I was present but detached from my body. The doctor was speaking, I nodded, but I couldn’t understand. What you don’t know is after hearing those tragic words, we were led out of the back door. As if we were being forced to make the “walk of shame.” God forbid any of the glowing, naïve patients, holding their beautiful swollen bellies see my husband’s blood shot eyes and my smeared mascara. What doesn’t show is that sometimes it feels like just yesterday. What you don’t know is I’ve played that scene out in my head a thousand times. What doesn’t show is that I still want to talk about it. I want you to ask me about my pain, my loss, my grief. I put on a mask, but who is it for? Is it to protect me or you? Are you uncomfortable with my grief? What …

Choosing Courage Over Comfort

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Sometimes I wonder if this wholehearted living thing is really making a difference in the world. It’s not easy and some days it’s really hard. Then, when I least expect it, something happens to remind me that yes, yes it does make a difference! I recently attended a workshop on leadership through resilience at work. After seven months of studying shame resilience and practicing wholehearted living, (thanks to Brené Brown’s research), I was really excited about the class. Early in the meeting, the facilitator presented a colorful collage of photos on the screen and asked everyone to choose an image that represents change. It could be something personal or work related. As the images appeared, my eyes were immediately drawn to an image of a sweet smiling baby, followed by the usual pin prick to the heart. Next, the facilitator said, “At the back of the room is a table with all the photos. Grab your chosen photo and return to your tables.” As soon as she finished her sentence, I could feel my heart start …

Let’s Get Curious

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Emotions; we all have them. They are part of what makes us human and able to connect with one another. Love, is one of, if not the most powerful of all human emotions. Grief can be equally powerful. Like most of us, you’ve probably experienced a time when your emotions took over, causing you to think or act irrationally. On the contrary, maybe you’ve even tried to control your emotions. When we try to “control” our emotions this often means avoid, suppress or repress them. The emotions have not gone away. Oftentimes it just means they are sitting inside us for days, months and even years. Eventually, this build-up of emotions will release, often manifesting as negative behavior. Ever met a passive-aggressive? It also takes a lot of emotional energy trying to keep our emotions in check. As I continue to work through the emotions that often accompany grief and loss, I am learning to apply the skills I have learned through the Rising Strong process. Getting curious about my emotions has been the most …

Life After Infertility

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Yesterday was the three-year anniversary of our first IVF transfer. At the time, we had no idea this would also be the beginning of a new chapter in our infertility journey — one of loss and grieving. Grief can be a lonely journey. Even the best of friends and family are often at a loss for what to do or say to help their loved one’s cope. During my infertility treatments, I sought support through many wonderful online TTC communities. I received fuzzy socks, baby dust and lots of virtual hugs and prayers from “cycle buddies” all over the world. One of my closest friends as well as a co-worker were going through the procedure around the same time and it was great to have someone to talk to and share all the exciting as well as the not so fun details like getting poked with needles every day! Over the past couple of years, I found myself no longer relating to many of the TTC groups I was once actively a part of. As …

Poetry Therapy?

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I’ve never really been able to get into journaling. I read over and over about how great it is to put your thoughts on paper, especially at the end of the day. With a busy home and work schedule, the thought of writing every day is stressful to me. So, I write when I feel the desire and the rest of the time I just write in my head…a lot. A few months ago I decided to write down some thoughts I was having on a particularly difficult day. I had written various versions in my head, what seemed like a dozen times. I figured it might eventually turn into a blog post topic, so I saved the draft and forgot about it. Recently, I opened up that draft and realized there was in fact a story to share…in the form of a poem. I googled “poetry” and found the following definition, “literary work in which special intensity is given to the expression of feelings and ideas by the use of distinctive style and rhythm; poems …

A Brave New Ending

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I am honored my story was chosen to be published by RESOLVE for their upcoming National Infertility Awareness Week.  This year’s theme is #FlipTheScript and resonates very personally during our season of healing after infertility and miscarriage. You can read our story and the stories of others here. This was the first time I’ve written a personal story in third person and it was interesting to think about these thoughts and feelings from an outside perspective. The work that Resolve does for the infertility community is invaluable and I can’t thank them enough for the influence they have had on me during this journey. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ For Viann and her husband Oscar, their long and bumpy road of infertility began 9 years ago. After numerous tests and failed treatments, IVF was their only hope of conceiving. In 2015, the procedure was successful. Early in the twin pregnancy, one of the embryos stopped developing, however subsequent ultrasounds revealed a strong heartbeat with the second.  Their prayers had finally been answered and their dream of having a child was becoming …

Our Two

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They would have turned two years old today. Terrible or terrific? Probably a little bit of both. As I sit with my feelings and allow the messy emotions of grief and loss wash over me, I can’t help but feel gratitude. Anyone who has experienced infertility or miscarriage will tell you it changes you. Yes, there are days that are hard. Days where I am blindsided by grief; triggered by a certain smell, song or memory. Although forever changed, I have not allowed anger or bitterness to take root in the inner most places of my heart. I see all life as a precious gift, not to be taken for granted. The children in our lives are such a blessing and I am so thankful for each of them. I love and appreciate my husband more than ever.  We have walked through fire together and by the grace of God, we are still standing strong. I have learned it’s okay to be sad and joyful, to grieve a painful loss and embrace the wonders of …

The Magic of a New Year

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As another year comes to a close, 2017 definitely stands out as a year to remember. Here a just a few of my reflections. The year started out with the election of Donald Trump as the 45th president of the United States, and the Twittersphere hasn’t been the same since.  We have made great strides as a nation; however, our political and social divide remains. This year, as emotions ran high, violent protests were held, historical statues were taken down and NFL players decided to take a knee during the National Anthem. We still have a lot of work to do. We witnessed terrorist attacks and mass shootings in New York City, Las Vegas, Sutherland Springs and across the globe. Buried in the headlines of these horrific events, we can also find stories of great courage, healing and hope for humanity. For the first time in 100 years, we experienced a total solar eclipse. In a face palm moment, it was also reported that some people put sunscreen on their eyes to watch the eclipse! …